Working on a project, which is almost done except the final printing issues and things like that...i shouldve done design or advertising or event management as a career move...well anyway apart from a pending trip to Nepal soon as the ADC coordinator, which im really excited about and dreading at the same time coz i have to drag along both my children with me....hopefully they wont get on too many already high strung nerves there.
This diary thing has got me excited and wondering whether I should be doing this every year...creating an office diary? well the thing is Im kinda slow and hardly ever socialise....sit at home with my children...market research is hard for a stay-at-home mom now...and i dont like to blab much either....maybe i should write a Harry Potter like book....hmmm...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
money money money
husband's gone to bangkok today, daughter and son and both asleep..finally..they both have a cold and so do I.
We just had new year(bhutanese) yesterday..kinda late i knw but we had a double month last year so thats pushed us back a month this year...if that makes any sense.
I m feeling so old and tired lately...theres so much to take care of and so little time...yes i know its the same old story every time you meet me....is there such a thing as a normal life for me? i guess its not possible in this life time eh?
well mom's got diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma cancer...stage I...and slow growth so thats apparently good news....whats overwhelming is..well everything....trying to cope with mom dealing with it, not so much me...my husband avoiding the whole situation and playing it down...my mom's family confronting the situation and playing it up.....gosh i never got so many presents in my life or sympathisers....look i dont mind that they feel something for my mother and my family but puuleeze spare me the pity and sympathy....its gotten so bad that guess what....we have a new car as a present!! nice huh....and moms got a new matress as well among other expensive gifts...now all i need is for someone to pay my loans hahaha that would be the ultimate gift of pity....sympathy..whatever you want to call it....call me a cold fish...the last thing a pisces would be....but everyone thinks im being pretty cool about it all....well have to tune out and act like normal...otherwise it would all get to me and i would probably be going out of my mind....i dont know...what am i supposed to be doing? Im just being me and doing what i do every day....being as normal and as cool and laid back as i can be...which is a problem since sometimes im so laid back i dont want to even get out of bed some days...cant face the daily music of this whole scenario.
all i hoped for was a simple job that i enjoyed and complained along with my colleagues about, the small family, a simple simple home...cottage please, no servants or staff, a baby sitter for the baby, a nice kitchen where i know that its mine and nobody else is going to cook there and move my thigns about....and a husband with steady work, who hangs out with the kids and knows how to be cool with them.........
i got instead....no career, a family job where im the B.O.S.S. that everyone hates or likes from time to time, a huge property and house with staff that im finding a hell of a time to manage with two kids, a sick mom and a hubby whose so laid back he doesnt mind not having a steady job...and his tours and travels...well he's more than happy to leave that to fate...if they come, theyll come, if they dont, well hey i have more time on my hands to relax.
yes money and wealth doesnt buy you happiness!!! I can vouch for that.
We just had new year(bhutanese) yesterday..kinda late i knw but we had a double month last year so thats pushed us back a month this year...if that makes any sense.
I m feeling so old and tired lately...theres so much to take care of and so little time...yes i know its the same old story every time you meet me....is there such a thing as a normal life for me? i guess its not possible in this life time eh?
well mom's got diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma cancer...stage I...and slow growth so thats apparently good news....whats overwhelming is..well everything....trying to cope with mom dealing with it, not so much me...my husband avoiding the whole situation and playing it down...my mom's family confronting the situation and playing it up.....gosh i never got so many presents in my life or sympathisers....look i dont mind that they feel something for my mother and my family but puuleeze spare me the pity and sympathy....its gotten so bad that guess what....we have a new car as a present!! nice huh....and moms got a new matress as well among other expensive gifts...now all i need is for someone to pay my loans hahaha that would be the ultimate gift of pity....sympathy..whatever you want to call it....call me a cold fish...the last thing a pisces would be....but everyone thinks im being pretty cool about it all....well have to tune out and act like normal...otherwise it would all get to me and i would probably be going out of my mind....i dont know...what am i supposed to be doing? Im just being me and doing what i do every day....being as normal and as cool and laid back as i can be...which is a problem since sometimes im so laid back i dont want to even get out of bed some days...cant face the daily music of this whole scenario.
all i hoped for was a simple job that i enjoyed and complained along with my colleagues about, the small family, a simple simple home...cottage please, no servants or staff, a baby sitter for the baby, a nice kitchen where i know that its mine and nobody else is going to cook there and move my thigns about....and a husband with steady work, who hangs out with the kids and knows how to be cool with them.........
i got instead....no career, a family job where im the B.O.S.S. that everyone hates or likes from time to time, a huge property and house with staff that im finding a hell of a time to manage with two kids, a sick mom and a hubby whose so laid back he doesnt mind not having a steady job...and his tours and travels...well he's more than happy to leave that to fate...if they come, theyll come, if they dont, well hey i have more time on my hands to relax.
yes money and wealth doesnt buy you happiness!!! I can vouch for that.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Go President Obama!!
Cant ignore the biggest thing in history ever...we're living history...where else can we say that we witnessed a black president elected for US presidency? It was always a running joke about having a female president or a black president....well its now reality and what a cool prez at that...he can play basketball...i mean cmon which prez could do that?
well he's got a hard task ahead of him not only because of all the issues that the Bush administration made it there for him but also because he is the first 'pioneer' so to speak...he has alot of ...well lets just say that people in general expect him to deliver more, to be more, to be above and beyond...well lets just say that so do i...and god help him if he takes a wrong step or makes mroe wring steps than right ones...he will not only be failing himself and his administration but also all those other ethnicities around the world....now thats a tough one...
my best wishes to obama and his presidency..here's to 2009 and his future!!
Oh have to mention mrs too...i really liked her choice of clothes....esp the way she chose to be accessible and understated yet absolutely stunning and unique...shes cool too.
well he's got a hard task ahead of him not only because of all the issues that the Bush administration made it there for him but also because he is the first 'pioneer' so to speak...he has alot of ...well lets just say that people in general expect him to deliver more, to be more, to be above and beyond...well lets just say that so do i...and god help him if he takes a wrong step or makes mroe wring steps than right ones...he will not only be failing himself and his administration but also all those other ethnicities around the world....now thats a tough one...
my best wishes to obama and his presidency..here's to 2009 and his future!!
Oh have to mention mrs too...i really liked her choice of clothes....esp the way she chose to be accessible and understated yet absolutely stunning and unique...shes cool too.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I am worthy, if for no other reason than I walk this earth.
All because of a movie last night that I saw on HBO, I found such startling similarities of my life on that movie, I had to go and search the net today to do some soul searching....what an odd place for soul searching in a country like Bhutan-land of happiness!
Well I found out what I am- A PEOPLE PLEASER-i dont know but a sense of relief is washing over me that I can finally name the thing that is bothering me.
And I never thought Id ever say this but last year was an eye opener to me and the things I was ignoring about me-Thank you to those to persons called Nepals for abusing and using me well last year- I forgot she had learnt psychology in uni, she identified my character well and used it to her advantage....its because of them that I found or rather chose to finally accept that indeed there was somethign wrong with me...well in my head anyway.
Definition: People pleasers are doormats who let high expectations, resentment, and saying yes when they mean no run their lives. They are set on being perfect and nice. It affects mostly women because they are socialized to do for other people instead of for themselves. This has also been linked to codependence.
There we go, that describes me to a T!!
I never admitted or sought to admit after so many people told me, "you must ve been affected by the divorce of your parents." Now I see how much it has affected me and the way that I behave with everyone I come into contact with. And my mom, as much as I love her...I realise that she was a people pleaser too...apparently it stems from divorce, also parental controlling behavior, or if the parent was too self absorbed, depressed, etc....that happened to mom after the divorce.
Wow I shouldve taken psychology in uni instead of business management...pfff look what good that has done me now?
My self worth is measured by what others tell me, not what I see for myself and now when I look at myself in the past, I find that Ive been searching for approval from every tom, dick and harry off the streets...when in reality its only my opinion that matters and my own approval, after all I have to live with me right?
End of last year really got to me-I finally bursted forth a flood of bad language, said NO and was rude, well for me atleast,...I thought Id feel terrible, but surprisingly felt calm, satiated,and felt good about myself....unlike what I usually do, which is I say yes and then start to stress about achieving that impossible yes or uncomfortable yes that I just agreed to...in the end I felt worse off then when I began.
Geez with all this psychology crap, I am going to be second guessing all my parenting moves from now on....well I guess another way to look at it is that we're all psychologically damaged in some way or another because of parenting styles...who's ever heard of perfect parenting?
I find(a bit too late) that its all about identifying, accepting, and fixing/altering/(add your fav. word here) the problem and moving on.
sounds easy on paper, difficult to practice....a step at a time i guess...well atleast Im learning to say no from time to time, though still working on self worth and self approval...that will definitely take a while.
In my search on the internet...I found a place and these words hit me the most:
"....that parents with unresolved anger, anxiety--or unmet dependency needs from their childhood generally--are so likely to foster in us unhealthy feelings of shame, inferiority, subjugation or servitude. However unintentionally, such parents can make us feel responsible for their happiness, such that we're prompted to take on the burden of their dependencies and (without really being aware of what's happening) behave in ways contrived to offer them comfort. Paradoxically, depending on our parents to feel secure about our place in the family, we have little choice but to allow them to depend on us to help them "address" (though hardly resolve) what they couldn't get during their own childhood..."
And now the ironic part comes in....
"such parents may actually need to cultivate in us a kind of helpless dependency on them--in order for their adequacy, competence and authority to be externally confirmed. So at times it's not at all clear who's supporting whom, since inevitably there's a certain amount of role reversal taking place in our efforts to get from them what they themselves unconsciously need to get from us. More often than not, insecure adults beget insecure children, so that everyone in such a dysfunctional family system is seeking to get fundamental needs met--yet with almost no recognition of what these needs really are..."
Where did i hear that song..."I love you, you hate me (or vice versa), we are all a dysfunctional family..."Im sure its on the Simpsons.
well im taking the next step -self worth and self approval.
The 5 steps I need to take:
1."no" is not a four letter word
2. The Want/Need Diary(to assess how dysfunctional i really am)
3. Where are my city limits
4.Where's the psychic hotline?(in other words people cant read my mind-so i need to say what i want/need)
5.Simple pleasures instead of people pleasing
Well I found out what I am- A PEOPLE PLEASER-i dont know but a sense of relief is washing over me that I can finally name the thing that is bothering me.
And I never thought Id ever say this but last year was an eye opener to me and the things I was ignoring about me-Thank you to those to persons called Nepals for abusing and using me well last year- I forgot she had learnt psychology in uni, she identified my character well and used it to her advantage....its because of them that I found or rather chose to finally accept that indeed there was somethign wrong with me...well in my head anyway.
Definition: People pleasers are doormats who let high expectations, resentment, and saying yes when they mean no run their lives. They are set on being perfect and nice. It affects mostly women because they are socialized to do for other people instead of for themselves. This has also been linked to codependence.
There we go, that describes me to a T!!
I never admitted or sought to admit after so many people told me, "you must ve been affected by the divorce of your parents." Now I see how much it has affected me and the way that I behave with everyone I come into contact with. And my mom, as much as I love her...I realise that she was a people pleaser too...apparently it stems from divorce, also parental controlling behavior, or if the parent was too self absorbed, depressed, etc....that happened to mom after the divorce.
Wow I shouldve taken psychology in uni instead of business management...pfff look what good that has done me now?
My self worth is measured by what others tell me, not what I see for myself and now when I look at myself in the past, I find that Ive been searching for approval from every tom, dick and harry off the streets...when in reality its only my opinion that matters and my own approval, after all I have to live with me right?
End of last year really got to me-I finally bursted forth a flood of bad language, said NO and was rude, well for me atleast,...I thought Id feel terrible, but surprisingly felt calm, satiated,and felt good about myself....unlike what I usually do, which is I say yes and then start to stress about achieving that impossible yes or uncomfortable yes that I just agreed to...in the end I felt worse off then when I began.
Geez with all this psychology crap, I am going to be second guessing all my parenting moves from now on....well I guess another way to look at it is that we're all psychologically damaged in some way or another because of parenting styles...who's ever heard of perfect parenting?
I find(a bit too late) that its all about identifying, accepting, and fixing/altering/(add your fav. word here) the problem and moving on.
sounds easy on paper, difficult to practice....a step at a time i guess...well atleast Im learning to say no from time to time, though still working on self worth and self approval...that will definitely take a while.
In my search on the internet...I found a place and these words hit me the most:
"....that parents with unresolved anger, anxiety--or unmet dependency needs from their childhood generally--are so likely to foster in us unhealthy feelings of shame, inferiority, subjugation or servitude. However unintentionally, such parents can make us feel responsible for their happiness, such that we're prompted to take on the burden of their dependencies and (without really being aware of what's happening) behave in ways contrived to offer them comfort. Paradoxically, depending on our parents to feel secure about our place in the family, we have little choice but to allow them to depend on us to help them "address" (though hardly resolve) what they couldn't get during their own childhood..."
And now the ironic part comes in....
"such parents may actually need to cultivate in us a kind of helpless dependency on them--in order for their adequacy, competence and authority to be externally confirmed. So at times it's not at all clear who's supporting whom, since inevitably there's a certain amount of role reversal taking place in our efforts to get from them what they themselves unconsciously need to get from us. More often than not, insecure adults beget insecure children, so that everyone in such a dysfunctional family system is seeking to get fundamental needs met--yet with almost no recognition of what these needs really are..."
Where did i hear that song..."I love you, you hate me (or vice versa), we are all a dysfunctional family..."Im sure its on the Simpsons.
well im taking the next step -self worth and self approval.
The 5 steps I need to take:
1."no" is not a four letter word
2. The Want/Need Diary(to assess how dysfunctional i really am)
3. Where are my city limits
4.Where's the psychic hotline?(in other words people cant read my mind-so i need to say what i want/need)
5.Simple pleasures instead of people pleasing
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Reflections
And what of all this uncertainty in my life this year? Is life so bittersweet that where one moment brings joy, the next is sure to follow with sorrow?
I love this house, and yet at the same time I hate it…its filled with memories of my childhood, of my parents, my father and my mother..it reminds me of my failures, my insecurities, the life I lead now.
If its true that every decision I take, changes the future…god knows what kind of a future Ive created with all the decisions I took this year.
Looking back at the beginning of the year and looking at myself now at the end of the year, Ive remained the same in some ways and yet Ive changed. I cant say that Ive become more grounded, I don’t think that’s possible, being a Pisces-94% of the time I live in my imagination. To be honest my sign must be the worst combination ever..a Rat Pisces, with moon sign in Aquarius…enterprising yet dreamy, creative and frisky as spring, selfish and yet supposedly selfless, definitely laid back, attached and detached…im sure this gave way to many of my mood swings and split personalities over this year.
Is that why I take two steps forward and 3 steps and a jump back?
Is that why I love my married life and yet at times I feel as if Im bound?
Is that why I ve learnt to hate myself and yet am still teaching myself to like me?
I ve never liked me for a long time.
I guess it takes a while to like and forgive yourself, it takes a while to understand yourself and to understand my weaknesses and strengths, how to best utilise them, how to supress the fears and learning to take one step at a time without doubting every second step.
My biggest fear? Disappointing everyone I love and care about. and thats probably my biggest weakness too, I never once stopped to think what would I do if I disappointed myself...lol I still cant imagine it yet.
My greatest joy? Bringing joy/happiness/a smile to others.
I ve fizzled out my batteries this year, and at this very moment I ve come to a point where I cant be bothered...its a dangerous attitude to take at the end of the year but I keep too many things inside and cant let it out...hence the occasional volcanic eruptions that my husband knows too well about.
This blog was supposed to be interesting, about the life I lead here in a kingdom in the clouds, but sorry to everyone who reads it that its taken a turn for personal self analysis...its something I tend to do at the end of the year...there'll be a bit more of that and Im sure by the new year, there wont be any more nonsensical posts like these to deal with.
I love this house, and yet at the same time I hate it…its filled with memories of my childhood, of my parents, my father and my mother..it reminds me of my failures, my insecurities, the life I lead now.
If its true that every decision I take, changes the future…god knows what kind of a future Ive created with all the decisions I took this year.
Looking back at the beginning of the year and looking at myself now at the end of the year, Ive remained the same in some ways and yet Ive changed. I cant say that Ive become more grounded, I don’t think that’s possible, being a Pisces-94% of the time I live in my imagination. To be honest my sign must be the worst combination ever..a Rat Pisces, with moon sign in Aquarius…enterprising yet dreamy, creative and frisky as spring, selfish and yet supposedly selfless, definitely laid back, attached and detached…im sure this gave way to many of my mood swings and split personalities over this year.
Is that why I take two steps forward and 3 steps and a jump back?
Is that why I love my married life and yet at times I feel as if Im bound?
Is that why I ve learnt to hate myself and yet am still teaching myself to like me?
I ve never liked me for a long time.
I guess it takes a while to like and forgive yourself, it takes a while to understand yourself and to understand my weaknesses and strengths, how to best utilise them, how to supress the fears and learning to take one step at a time without doubting every second step.
My biggest fear? Disappointing everyone I love and care about. and thats probably my biggest weakness too, I never once stopped to think what would I do if I disappointed myself...lol I still cant imagine it yet.
My greatest joy? Bringing joy/happiness/a smile to others.
I ve fizzled out my batteries this year, and at this very moment I ve come to a point where I cant be bothered...its a dangerous attitude to take at the end of the year but I keep too many things inside and cant let it out...hence the occasional volcanic eruptions that my husband knows too well about.
This blog was supposed to be interesting, about the life I lead here in a kingdom in the clouds, but sorry to everyone who reads it that its taken a turn for personal self analysis...its something I tend to do at the end of the year...there'll be a bit more of that and Im sure by the new year, there wont be any more nonsensical posts like these to deal with.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Just attended the prayer ceremony in Paro Kyichhu monastery this morning-4 am to be exact!! I dont know why it is that we feel sleepy at the most important moments and awake when its not important..lol its now over and Im supposed to be taking a short nap, but Im wide awake!
The ceremony went pretty well and both the babies were well behaved, probably because they were half asleep.
Ill try and get photos of the ceremony, pictures would give a better idea than words here.
The weather is lovely in Paro, with the sound of cicadas in the autumn heat,with the wind weaving through the golden rice fields that are almost ready for harvesting....Im getting a good break from work these past few days though Im feeling guilty for leaving behind my staff with a huge workload.
Have to go back to Thimphu tonight, a bit reluctant to get back to the city after Paro.
The ceremony went pretty well and both the babies were well behaved, probably because they were half asleep.
Ill try and get photos of the ceremony, pictures would give a better idea than words here.
The weather is lovely in Paro, with the sound of cicadas in the autumn heat,with the wind weaving through the golden rice fields that are almost ready for harvesting....Im getting a good break from work these past few days though Im feeling guilty for leaving behind my staff with a huge workload.
Have to go back to Thimphu tonight, a bit reluctant to get back to the city after Paro.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Metropolis Philosopher
Weaving through the streets, only the sound of rushing.Hearing without listening, I only hear cries Of my own.The maddening crowd, heat upon heat, thoughts runningEach unto his own, wandering far from the pounding stepsThe clacking on the pavements,Within the maze of my clouded mindConcentrating without effortResting without unwinding.I keep walking onThe karmic winds pause for no one.
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